Divorce and Remarriage

I personally grew up in a traditional family system. My biological mom and dad, had and raised 11 children. I knew several classmates and friends, growing up who came from blended families. After this week in class and the readings from our textbook, I have gained new insights and a slight understanding for the challenges and complexities that divorced and blended families experience. In a divorced situation (and death of a spouse) there is part of the family that may get lost. That parent's parents may still want to be grandparents to the children and be apart of their lives. However the parent may want to move on. Things like dating bring in challenges as well. The parent may cling to the child and not want to date. However if the parent does date and eventually remarry, you are starting a whole new family system and quite complex at that! Think about it, you have the late spouse's parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, the living parent's family, and then the step-parent's family as well. Relationship bonds are strains and conflicts may arrive. It is a very sensitive situation. Lets think about all the past history that one brings into the picture, from both parties. The children's grief and emotions. A power struggle between the couple. And then there is disciplining techniques, and who has the right to discipline who's children.

I really have come to empathize with divorced and blended families. I can not imagine just how real these challenges are. I have great respect for men and women that are capable of coming into to families and being able to fill maybe a hole that was missing. It is not their responsibility, but they fill that role out of love. I know that all families can find and create happiness together. After all that is what Heavenly Father wants for all of us.

Parenting

The objective of parenting to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive. In my class we were asked why it is that young people are doing the parenting, rather than the typical experienced white haired grandmother. She knows what to do and how to handle children. She has experience and is less likely to mess up, right? How could a couple at 24 and 25 years old possibly know how to raise and parent children? Here are some things that we discussed. First, as young biological parents they have a natural intuition for the needs of their children, as well as a deep love of them being their own. We all know that children have quite a lot of energy, and they need parents that can play alongside them hour after hour, day after day. There are certain physical abilities that young parents have that benefit the relationship between the parent and the child. Next, the world is ever changing. If we leave parenting to the elderly, how will they understand the difficulties and struggles that young ones are faced with. Biological parents will be able to relate better with the children, and have similar experiences. Ultimately, parenting is a learning and growing process. It helps adults develop themselves more and shape their lives as they learn to care and love their children.

There are needs that each child needs.  Contact and belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. They need to feel each of these things in their lives, and relationship with with their parents. They will more than likely act in a completely different way, but we need to be conscious that these basic needs, must be met. It seems to me that the initial response for misbehavior is anger consisting in yelling and punishing. However, if we can seek for understanding in a calm and collected manner, the parent and child will be able to learn and grow together.

I am not yet a parent, but I imagine that it is not the easiest task nor responsibility in this life. But it is worth it! Think of the blessing that your parents are to you. The great influences that they have had on you. I know that we are placed in the families and homes that we are a part of, for a reason. I know that we can learn from our parents' examples, and continue what is good, and make changes to things that can be improves upon in parenting skills. Family is such a blessing!!

Fatherhood

When was the last time you thanked your dad for all that he does for you?

Often times we forget just how much our father does for us and our families as well as all that he teaches us. The role of a father is irreplaceable. Fathers teach us by their example in all aspects of life. We see the way that they interact with others and we too treat others the same. We learn to love and respect others by their example. Fathers have a responsibility to provide and protect their families. They can become more involved in their child's life and strengthen the relationship as fathers make the effort to spend time with their children. This shows the kids that their dad wants to be involved and loves them. In this way the father can learn more of his child like fears and dreams and sensitivities.

I am so grateful for my father and all that he has done for me and taught me. I hope that I will take after his good example as I have my family in the future. I know that his role in our home was significant and I am so grateful for all the sacrifices that he made so that we were comfortable and happy as a family.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Who would have thought that communication could be so complex?! The words that leave our mouth is all that matters, right? Well that is not entirely true. There are three parts to communication: Verbal (or our words), non-verbal (gestures and body language) and our tone. Actually, studies show that non-verbal communication is 51%, tone is 35% and verbal is 14% of overall communication. Its crazy to think that more than just my words are interpreted by others. And if you think that is complicated, add on the fact that each of us interprets very differently. In my class we discussed how we each have our own code, in a sense. This can make (does make) life and relationships quite complicated.

We all desire to be understood. In our families we need to be able to have good communication skills in order to help and love one another. If we can take the time to truly understand others, and make as clear as possible our own concerns and desires, we can help the communication in our families. Many conflicts  arise because of miscommunication. I can even see this with my roommates now. The way something is said with a certain tone, or glare, can entirely change the meaning of a sentence, Its crazy isn't it!?!

This communication is daily, but there are also times when more in depth conversations need to take place. When big decisions are made in a family, things need to be discussed. But how do we go about it? Are we focused on compromising so that all parties are satisfied to the fullest, or do we look for a solution that is for the greater good, or rather, what God wants.  If each member of the family (husband, wife, son, daughter) can be open and express love for each other, coming to a consensus rather than a compromise will better family life. If we can learn to make decisions with the will of God in mind, we will, over time, loose selfish desires and be more willing to do His will.

The Family Under Stress

Life is full of surprises. Good, and often challenging and/or stressful. Sometimes we call these times a crisis. In my class, we have a fellow student whose first language is Chinese. Our teacher asked her to write on the board the symbol for the word, crisis. She then explained to us that it consists of 2 characters, one meaning danger, and the other meaning opportunity. It was really neat! If you think about it, a crisis is often danger or a threat to us as individuals or as a family. BUT it is also an opportunity. An opportunity to learn and grow and become better, stronger people, or to let it consume us and make us bitter and unhappy.

We have all gone through times of stress. Each person's and family's experiences are different, but we all go through it. There are two different types of stressors that we discussed in class; normative and nonnormative. Examples of normative stressors would be events like birth of a child, buying a house, marriage, moving out. While these things cause stress, they are expected. Nonnormative stressors are things such as dying young, divorce, abuse, illnesses. These things are not normally expected, and come as a surprise to us. I feel that nonnormative stressors often are more straining on the family. However, like I stated earlier, we have the opportunity and choice as to how we will react and go about the crisis.

If we are not careful, when these stressors come around, we could hurt our family systems and the unity that a family may have. Each action we make has an accompanied consequence. If we can remember to be kind and empathetic, communicate well, sensitive to others feelings and be compassionate, we can help keep clear and loving boundaries that help to strengthen and pull together our family. No time such as these, is easy.

I have come to understand and realize that these times of trial and heartache are for our good. It is an opportunity to become better, and develop more Christlike attributes. I know that there is a wise purpose in all that we must experience in this life. But ultimately we have the choice to make it a positive experience. We are loved. With our families, we can unite in a common love to help and strengthen one another and have the faith that God will take care of us as we do our part.

Fidelity

Marriage is not a contract meant to be broken at the first sign of trouble. Nor should an individual do things to provoke conflict. Marriage is between a man and a wife, and God. They share an intimate relationship. They mean the world to each other. That relationship, is the most important and precious relationship that exists in the lives of the both.

Complete fidelity in a marriage is key to it being a success, and raising a happy family. According to Webster's Dictionary, fidelity is the quality of being faithful to one's spouse. In my class textbook it defines the different ways in which we can be unfaithful. There is physical infidelity, romantic, technology, visual and fantasy. Often times we tend to think that the only type of infidelity is the physical, or rather sexual relations with another individual. However, this is not true. For example, co workers that spend a lot of time together may begin to feel comfortable around each other. But that may then lead to sharing feelings and things that are close to the heart. Intimate things. Such  things are to be shared with your spouse, not just any person that you work with. We must be courteous at all times, but remember that those things that are close to your heart should be shared with your significant other.

This may bring up the concern of good friends. Your spouse, I believe, should be your best friend. All other relationships are second in line. It may be easy, or tempting to confide in someone outside of the marriage, but this is in no way helpful. Things that go on between a husband and wife and their family life, should be kept within those bounds. If we can remember to talk about our concerns with our spouse, we will be able to resolve issues much more quickly.  There is no reason to trash talk your significant other when something upsets you. Remember, you fell in love with them and decided to marry them for some positive, happy reason.

Infidelity hurts families. Not only the couple, which is primarily affected, but also posterity. I feel that if we can remember to keep the marriage relationship intimate, just between the two, the relationship will be much more successful. We choose our companion, so stick to them, cleave unto them, in every meaning of the word. Communication is essential! Be faithful!

Transitions in Marriage

Marriage is something that many look forward to. It is a common goal. To find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, settle down, start a family and enjoy life. But, as I have learned this last week and my eyes have been opened, there is more than just those happy an exciting moments. I feel that as youth and young adults we often only imagine and believe that with marriage everything will be butterflies and rainbows....all of the time. This belief is quite unrealistic.

As we go through the adventure of life, we are faced with many challenges, and with each new phase of life, comes new responsibilities. The same is true with marriage. You take two people from very different backgrounds and life experiences and conflicts are going to arise. They have to make decisions together, they have to rely on one another and grow together. They will not always see eye to eye on everything. You add on family traditions and customs, finances, goals and children and things can get hectic. I am not trying to scare you away from making the commitment of marriage, rather I am trying to inform and help you see the future from a more realistic lens.

Couples report high marital satisfaction at the beginning of the union. But, studies show that there is a decrease in satisfaction as the first, and second, and third babies are born. (And so on) Can you guess why? Well, you go from having attention fully on just the two of you, and then a little baby is thrown in the picture. This means all attention on the baby and his needs. Budgets get tighter as there is another mouth to feed. Stress is higher, and couples often feel that they cannot express those things to their spouse because they too have a lot on their plate.  Less sleep adds to more tension. There is less, just "you and me" time which means less bonding. Starting a family changes a lot. However, I know that children are a joy. They are a little piece of heaven. These things are for you to be aware of so that you can prepare. To expect the unexpected.

Let's prepare ourselves for these very important decisions so that we can raise successful families that will positively add to society.